The other day, Peyton and I were filling out Christoper's birthday card.....(I cannot believe he is almost 24) and Peyton was so excited that he was able to write all of our names in his big brothers card. He took such pride in every letter. Drawing him little pictures and doodling. Peyton was grinning from ear to ear!
I sat there quietly and thought about how blessed I am with my two boys. How blessed I am that they are in each others lives. {Wish we saw Chris more often} Even though there is no blood connection between them, they love each other just the same.
Being on two sides of the triad has posed a lot of emotional conflict within my heart. But it is days such as these, that I am reminded of the selfless love, compassion and gifts from God that I call my sons. My journey has not always been so joyous!
During my years of unexplained infertility, I figured I would never be a mommy. At times I would get terribly angry at God because I felt I would never know the feeling of a child calling me "Mom", the love that fills your heart when your child smiles at you, being able to watch your child grow and learn. I felt robbed. I wanted my baby......but he was almost grown by the time I started "trying" to become a mother. "What had I done?" I felt I had lost my only chance at motherhood.
Then one day, I gave it all up to God. I told him how much I wanted to be a mother. How much pain I was in and how lonely my heart was without a little one. I asked him to please make me a mother if he felt I should be one...I didn't care how.
It was not long after that I was asked to be Peyton's mom. And the other side of adoption touched me. I believe that God can hear you and will answer your prayers when it is right for you. He brought my older son home and he gave me another son to love. I guess he wanted me to be a mother after all.
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