Today is my oldest son's birthday. Chris turns 24 years old today. Over the years his birthday has been bittersweet.....When he was little I would bake him a birthday cake and look through all of his pictures that his AP sent me. AND I WOULD CRY MY EYES OUT! I missed Chris so badly.
Now, I am able to celebrate his birthday with pride and tell him how much I love him. Mail a card to his actual address and not through an agency. I may have missed his childhood, but I feel this strengthening bond between the two of us. I wish I would have been able to share everything with his parents, but open adoption was not really heard of in 1988. I am so happy times have changed.
I love you so much Christopher and I hope you have the greatest birthday....you deserve it!
My Sons
My two sons. Christopher and Peyton
Monday, March 12, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
After All............
The other day, Peyton and I were filling out Christoper's birthday card.....(I cannot believe he is almost 24) and Peyton was so excited that he was able to write all of our names in his big brothers card. He took such pride in every letter. Drawing him little pictures and doodling. Peyton was grinning from ear to ear!
I sat there quietly and thought about how blessed I am with my two boys. How blessed I am that they are in each others lives. {Wish we saw Chris more often} Even though there is no blood connection between them, they love each other just the same.
Being on two sides of the triad has posed a lot of emotional conflict within my heart. But it is days such as these, that I am reminded of the selfless love, compassion and gifts from God that I call my sons. My journey has not always been so joyous!
During my years of unexplained infertility, I figured I would never be a mommy. At times I would get terribly angry at God because I felt I would never know the feeling of a child calling me "Mom", the love that fills your heart when your child smiles at you, being able to watch your child grow and learn. I felt robbed. I wanted my baby......but he was almost grown by the time I started "trying" to become a mother. "What had I done?" I felt I had lost my only chance at motherhood.
Then one day, I gave it all up to God. I told him how much I wanted to be a mother. How much pain I was in and how lonely my heart was without a little one. I asked him to please make me a mother if he felt I should be one...I didn't care how.
It was not long after that I was asked to be Peyton's mom. And the other side of adoption touched me. I believe that God can hear you and will answer your prayers when it is right for you. He brought my older son home and he gave me another son to love. I guess he wanted me to be a mother after all.
I sat there quietly and thought about how blessed I am with my two boys. How blessed I am that they are in each others lives. {Wish we saw Chris more often} Even though there is no blood connection between them, they love each other just the same.
Being on two sides of the triad has posed a lot of emotional conflict within my heart. But it is days such as these, that I am reminded of the selfless love, compassion and gifts from God that I call my sons. My journey has not always been so joyous!
During my years of unexplained infertility, I figured I would never be a mommy. At times I would get terribly angry at God because I felt I would never know the feeling of a child calling me "Mom", the love that fills your heart when your child smiles at you, being able to watch your child grow and learn. I felt robbed. I wanted my baby......but he was almost grown by the time I started "trying" to become a mother. "What had I done?" I felt I had lost my only chance at motherhood.
Then one day, I gave it all up to God. I told him how much I wanted to be a mother. How much pain I was in and how lonely my heart was without a little one. I asked him to please make me a mother if he felt I should be one...I didn't care how.
It was not long after that I was asked to be Peyton's mom. And the other side of adoption touched me. I believe that God can hear you and will answer your prayers when it is right for you. He brought my older son home and he gave me another son to love. I guess he wanted me to be a mother after all.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
The Emotional "Talk"
A couple of years ago, I tried to talk to Peyton about being adopted. He did not take it well at all! He cried and cried because he was not in my tummy. So, I decided to wait until he was better able to understand.
The other day, he was asking me if he had hair when he was in my tummy. Not quite sure how to answer him at that particular moment, I told him that God brought him to me. He said, "So, I was your dream come true?"
I answered, "Yes, you are!"
After that conversation I decided it was time to start the adoption dialogue with him. I wanted to make sure I was sensitive to his feelings and spoke in a way he would understand. I did not want him to feel confused or as though he was not really part of our family.
This morning I brought out his book "Why I Chose You" that my mom bought him when he was born. I want him to know he is wanted and loved. We sat on his bed and told him I wanted to tell him something. He sat close by me and stared in my eyes.....with a knot in my stomach, I said, "Peyton, remember the other day when you asked me if you had hair when you were in my tummy?"
"Yes." he replied
"Well, you did not grow in my tummy. You grew in my heart."
No response from Peyton.
"You remember Mama Ashe?" I asked
"Yes" he replied again.
"You grew in Mama Ashes' tummy. She grew you for mommy. And then Mommy adopted you." I said
Peyton chimed in, "You know what adoption is mommy? It is when you bring me home so you can love me."
I said, "You are exactly right. Do you have any questions?"
"Nope, I want to go play." And off he went.
This is the beginning of our dialog. I am sure he will start asking questions in his own time. I am very happy that Mama Ashe and I are as open as we are. That way when Peyton wants to ask her questions, he can. And he will feel comfortable, because he knows her.
The other day, he was asking me if he had hair when he was in my tummy. Not quite sure how to answer him at that particular moment, I told him that God brought him to me. He said, "So, I was your dream come true?"
I answered, "Yes, you are!"
After that conversation I decided it was time to start the adoption dialogue with him. I wanted to make sure I was sensitive to his feelings and spoke in a way he would understand. I did not want him to feel confused or as though he was not really part of our family.
This morning I brought out his book "Why I Chose You" that my mom bought him when he was born. I want him to know he is wanted and loved. We sat on his bed and told him I wanted to tell him something. He sat close by me and stared in my eyes.....with a knot in my stomach, I said, "Peyton, remember the other day when you asked me if you had hair when you were in my tummy?"
"Yes." he replied
"Well, you did not grow in my tummy. You grew in my heart."
No response from Peyton.
"You remember Mama Ashe?" I asked
"Yes" he replied again.
"You grew in Mama Ashes' tummy. She grew you for mommy. And then Mommy adopted you." I said
Peyton chimed in, "You know what adoption is mommy? It is when you bring me home so you can love me."
I said, "You are exactly right. Do you have any questions?"
"Nope, I want to go play." And off he went.
This is the beginning of our dialog. I am sure he will start asking questions in his own time. I am very happy that Mama Ashe and I are as open as we are. That way when Peyton wants to ask her questions, he can. And he will feel comfortable, because he knows her.
Adoption has blessed me TWO Times in TWO very different ways....
Hi there....
My name is Kacy. I am a Birth Mother and an Adoptive Mother. You see, in 1988, I gave birth to a precious little boy, Christopher. I was saddened that I was unable to raise my baby. I was a teen mom. I decided that Chris deserved to have a family that I could not provide for him. I wanted him to have everything. Making that selfless decision was the most painful decision I have ever made.
When Chris was 16, we were reunited and have built an amazing relationship. God truly blessed me by bringing Chris back into my life.
In 2006, after years of suffering with secondary infertility, God blessed me with another amazing little boy, Peyton. Peyton was brought to me through a very open adoption. The day he was born my heart was complete.
I know, you think, another blog about adoption or open adoption...ugh!! As you will see, my story is quite different from the typical adoption blogger. I see things from two sides of the adoption triad. And I get alot of input from my son, Chris, who sees things from the third side of the triad.
Being a birth mom is/was a very difficult emotional time in my life. I feel that when we were reunited I was "healed" from the pain of placing my son. His adoptive parents are not only amazing....but incredibly supportive of Chris and I building a relationship. Without them, we would not have been able to start our journey as early as 16. our adoption was Closed. But through adoption search angels, I was lucky enough to locate them and know my son was happy and healthy. That is where our story begins!
When I was asked if I was interested in adoption in 2006, my first reaction was OF COURSE......I AM GONNA BE A MOM! Then I started to think about the woman who would be going through the painful decision and constant heartache from the placement of her child into my arms. It is terrible to know what that pain feels like and to know I am on the other end. (I still tear up when I think about it now 5 years later.) My desire to be a mother and a loving parent guided me through that pain. In December 2006, when Peyton was born I was elated and scared at the same time. There I was on the opposite side of adoption.....I felt as though I was stealing her son. I felt like I was causing her this awful heartache. Looking at his mother in her hospital bed was so overwhelming. I could feel her being torn apart the same way I was 18 years earlier.
As happy as I was to be chosen to mother this beautiful angel, I was also terrified that she would change her mind. I was now the Adoptive Mom. All of the fears associated with being an adoptive mother came barreling through me.
Please don't change your mind.......
Then the birth mom in me would remind myself that it is HER decision. I had no control. (not an easy place for me to be...I am sort of a control freak!) I left it in God's hands.
We had a couple of traumatic moments on the way through Peyton's finalization....not on the part of his incredibly strong Birth Mother. As you can tell by reading this, his adoption was finalized and we are all still together in a VERY OPEN ADOPTION! We call Peyton's birth mom, Mama Ashe.
That is is just the beginning of my story through adoption. I decided to start this blog because today I had my first real conversation with Peyton about being adopted. The first time I tried, he cried and cried. So, I decided I should wait until he had more understanding for discussion. And it is time....Peyton is 5 years old.
Adoption to me is a blessing! My oldest son was raised by two loving parents who were able to raise a child without all of the emotional drama and immature nature of a teenager. I may not have grown my youngest son "in my tummy" but I sure grew him in my heart.
I am blessed with the love of both of my sons. They both call me MOM!
My name is Kacy. I am a Birth Mother and an Adoptive Mother. You see, in 1988, I gave birth to a precious little boy, Christopher. I was saddened that I was unable to raise my baby. I was a teen mom. I decided that Chris deserved to have a family that I could not provide for him. I wanted him to have everything. Making that selfless decision was the most painful decision I have ever made.
When Chris was 16, we were reunited and have built an amazing relationship. God truly blessed me by bringing Chris back into my life.
In 2006, after years of suffering with secondary infertility, God blessed me with another amazing little boy, Peyton. Peyton was brought to me through a very open adoption. The day he was born my heart was complete.
I know, you think, another blog about adoption or open adoption...ugh!! As you will see, my story is quite different from the typical adoption blogger. I see things from two sides of the adoption triad. And I get alot of input from my son, Chris, who sees things from the third side of the triad.
Being a birth mom is/was a very difficult emotional time in my life. I feel that when we were reunited I was "healed" from the pain of placing my son. His adoptive parents are not only amazing....but incredibly supportive of Chris and I building a relationship. Without them, we would not have been able to start our journey as early as 16. our adoption was Closed. But through adoption search angels, I was lucky enough to locate them and know my son was happy and healthy. That is where our story begins!
When I was asked if I was interested in adoption in 2006, my first reaction was OF COURSE......I AM GONNA BE A MOM! Then I started to think about the woman who would be going through the painful decision and constant heartache from the placement of her child into my arms. It is terrible to know what that pain feels like and to know I am on the other end. (I still tear up when I think about it now 5 years later.) My desire to be a mother and a loving parent guided me through that pain. In December 2006, when Peyton was born I was elated and scared at the same time. There I was on the opposite side of adoption.....I felt as though I was stealing her son. I felt like I was causing her this awful heartache. Looking at his mother in her hospital bed was so overwhelming. I could feel her being torn apart the same way I was 18 years earlier.
As happy as I was to be chosen to mother this beautiful angel, I was also terrified that she would change her mind. I was now the Adoptive Mom. All of the fears associated with being an adoptive mother came barreling through me.
Please don't change your mind.......
Then the birth mom in me would remind myself that it is HER decision. I had no control. (not an easy place for me to be...I am sort of a control freak!) I left it in God's hands.
We had a couple of traumatic moments on the way through Peyton's finalization....not on the part of his incredibly strong Birth Mother. As you can tell by reading this, his adoption was finalized and we are all still together in a VERY OPEN ADOPTION! We call Peyton's birth mom, Mama Ashe.
That is is just the beginning of my story through adoption. I decided to start this blog because today I had my first real conversation with Peyton about being adopted. The first time I tried, he cried and cried. So, I decided I should wait until he had more understanding for discussion. And it is time....Peyton is 5 years old.
Adoption to me is a blessing! My oldest son was raised by two loving parents who were able to raise a child without all of the emotional drama and immature nature of a teenager. I may not have grown my youngest son "in my tummy" but I sure grew him in my heart.
I am blessed with the love of both of my sons. They both call me MOM!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)